Summer fashion blunders and how to avoid them

We know the hazy, hot and humid days of summer are upon the city, and while we are not fashion gurus ourselves (at least not in the class of the Herald's Ivana Martini, snicker), we want to point out a few things to our esteemed readers.

1. Gals: we understand completely that you've been wanting to get your legs out of their stuffy nylon-covered cocoon for six months and into an airy pair of flip-flops or sandals. We also understand that there are some places that require such torture devices to be worn, and that sometimes "less is more" (e.g. the longer the skirt, the better you can get away with a pair of cheap CVS knee-high nylons; summer weight pantyhose or ultra-sheer is also a good idea). But one thing is for certain - ankle-high nylons are for grandmas or for longer pants - not those gaucho pants that come up to your kneecaps. Ankle-highs are not for long, flowing peasant skirts with embroidered backless ballet flats. For an alternative to the dreaded pantyhose , thigh-highs (aka holdups) are a super bet and can be subtle, yet sexy. Just make sure you're not allergic to silicone. If you really want to go all out, hop over to Victoria's Secret, buy a garter belt, and a pair of real stockings. Again, subtle, yet sexy and much cooler than pantyhose.

2. Guys: Slathering on patchouli oil, deodorant, or cologne doesn't take the place of a hot shower. Nothing ruins a good summer wardrobe than smelling like a walking advertisement for Polo Green or BO. Shower as frequently as you can - whatever you do after that is your business. Also, if the only six-pack you possess is the one you grab out of the package store for a party, along with all sorts of party snacks, leave the shirt on or lose the weight. Polo shirts - always good; we live in them 24/7/365. Shorts - always good, just make sure they don't skim the ground, or they aren't shorts. And underwear - a must.

3. If you're going for the urban cowgirl look - denim skirt, cowboy boots, and cowboy shirt, please delete the nylon knee highs or hide them in your boots so they don't distract from the look. (Actually, this would be much better use for ankle-high nylons, even if you're wearing a long peasant skirt. Never go sockless - it causes chafing and makes the boots much harder to get off.) Ditto for the urban cowboy look - nothing screams "urban poseur" like dressing up like Kenny Chesney and then wearing beat up Chuck Taylors.

4. We know there are some people who are still mourning the passing of Crocodile Hunter™ Steve Irwin. If Steve were to see what one young "sheila" wore at the Brugger's Bagels in Harvard Square this morning - something that would remind us of a Steve he would likely bolt down from the heavens and scream, "Crikey! Even my daughter Bindi wouldn't even dream of putting that jumble together! The beige-colored boots are awful - my wife Terri would lock you in with the crocodiles...that's if the crocodiles weren't laughing their heads off!" Jules Crittenden would summarize thus: "Carnival of Insanities - Only in Boston sees national treasure Steve Irwin reincarnated as willowy brunette with boots...conjures spirit of Irwin and gets hit by lightning."

SCAM ALERT - Back Bay Station

WARNING FOR PEOPLE WHO USE BACK BAY STATION:

We know this is a long weekend, and with the nice weather everyone from the suburbs is streaming in to enjoy it.

Our experience involved a casually dressed young woman, white, slightly chubby about the mid-to-older 20s, asking us for change at the Station News Store.

When we responded by walking briskly away, she sneered, "go ahead, run away." Then she tried to approach us, AGAIN, until we shouted in a loud voice why she would be begging for change in a store. We actually repeated it twice so the cashier(s) could hear us and get attention, as it looked like there was another taller man accompanying her.

Had it been the Spare Change Guy, he would have simply gone onto the next person to give him change. Had it been another homeless person, many would simply say, "God Bless," even if you didn't have the money. When a damsel in distress says "go ahead, run away," and then attempts to approach you a second time, perhaps with a few accomplices, it's a sign that she's looking to help herself to a lot more than your change - and perhaps use her accomplices for compliance.

This is a scam. If you are ever approached by a person for help, and something isn't kosher or makes you very uncomfortable, say nothing, leave quickly, and contact the police. Put as much distance between you and the person as feasibly possible. If possible, attract attention to your situation so the proper authorities can be contacted.

We want to put this out as a public service, as we could have very well been robbed, or worse, injured. Tourists to the Boston area deserve to be as safe as possible, and we want to make sure they leave here with a good impression - not one where Boston is a place where scammers relieve them of their wallets and our good image.

Bloggers for Cuban Liberty...¡ahora!

To our friends over at Babalu Blog: after we saw that Iberia airlines ad, we "leenkasoed" to the BUCL.

In fact, we're glad that the United States does have a blockade on Cuba, because we wouldn't want to visit Cuba or get its "wonderful, world class" healthcare - a bandaid, and maybe Pepto, if we're lucky. (Perhaps the guilty white people who hate America like it, only because they're gullible enough to believe it.)

"[O]rganic" is really just code for "awesome marketing idea."

When you buy organic foodstuffs, what are you really paying for?

- The notion that the item does not contain unhealthy additives, is raised in a favorable environment that doesn't use harmful chemicals, employs persons that are paid a fair and decent wage and are not exploited by their employers, and is processed in such a manner that it is fresh from the moment the item is selected from a careful worker, right to the point of consumption?

- The notion that only the elite (i.e. yuppies) can pay an extra 25-50% premium on things that the lower and middle classes couldn't even understand; i.e. what minimum wage slave would ever step foot into an health food cooperative, blow a quarter of their paycheck on bananas they'll let rot and throw out, and then turn around and blow the other parts of their paycheck on McDonalds, Walmart, and the cell phone they have glued to their ear?

- The notion that no one understands "organic" food except really finicky eaters, militant vegans, and yuppies, and the rest of us are happy with the non-organic stuff anyway because it's cheaper.

Communism laughed at God, capitalism makes Him a tax-exempt business

The Boston Herald has a good editorial about Pope Benedict's visit to Brazil, and His Holiness' comment that neither communism nor capitalism were the solution to the world's ills.

We agree with the Herald's take on communism: not merely did it resemble religion, but for many years, it was "the opiate of the masses" with such bibles as Das Kapital, The Communist Manifesto, Guerrilla Warfare, and many other tomes. Communism also had a branch of Catholicism called "liberation theology," which made Jesus not just a holy figure and the Son of God, but a Son of God who would be comfortable marching in the streets against any/all wars, and getting hauled off by the cops for interfering in military recruiting, releasing animals from their cages from research, hacking into banks and redistibuting money from billionaires and landing it into the bank accounts of the poor, or entering Wall Street and mistaking the men and women trading in polyester jackets and yelling "buy! sell!" for merchants trading in His Father's temple, and in turn smash trading boards, computers, and the like.

While we're at it, capitalism also has a religious component: many of the televangelists in the 1980s, such as Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell (and today, Benny Hinn) turned the concept of preaching the tenets of the Bible and Scripture to a modest group of churchgoers into a multi-billion dollar business. For the mere sum of $500, a preacher would get his personal line to God and humbly (!) ask that He miraculously bring back your sickly Aunt Fay from the throes of cancer. Just like PBS, they also gave away gewgaws and books that had a markup that would give you whiplash...and you'd later find them at the cutout bins of your local bookstore for $5.

MK+A Wannabes pollute Newbury St and Boston

An MKA* Wannabe is a female, often between the ages of 15-34, whose uniform consists of the following:

- sunglasses, the larger the better, to hide bloodshot eyes from wild nights of partying and copious amounts of Red Bull and vodka
- torn denim or stretch skirts OR highwater pants OR capris
- nylon leggings (with or without pantyhose, nylon knee-highs, or cute socks)
- beat up Keds, flip-flops, kung-fu shoes, ballet flats, or stripper shoes with lucite heels
- bedhead, hair piled up in a messy bun, or cut in a Mia Farrow pixie
- Daddy's platinum AmEx
- A giant bag that could fit at least two small children, or one large child
- A cell phone (permanently glued to their ear)
- rich boyfriend OR metrosexual male friend (with or without "benefits") OR homosexual male friend (the more flamboyant and swishy the better)

Bostonia Rantida, as well as the rest of us, would love to see these MKA wannabes off Newbury Street - maybe taking off their bug-eye glasses and crushing them and watching their mascara track down their face and their pink frost lip gloss quivering along with their chin would be a sight to behold.

* Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, the twins from Full House

When your field trip involves flak jackets and a drill sergeant, don't sign the paper

After the Virginia Tech shootings, principals and teachers should at least discuss what to do if a gunman enters a school.

Reenactments involving Navy SEALs and Special Forces Units? Definitely not for elementary schools, or those "alternative" high schools for people who have intimate knowledge of high-powered weapons.

The Two Three Sides of The Three Little Pigs...

One involves a wolf huffing and puffing and destroying ("blowing down") two of the three pigs' houses. Simple enough, and defying the test of time. The Brothers Grimm, in the German translation, have a more graphic version of the story, with the wolf meeting his end in a pot of boiling water.

The other may require record-breaking timeouts and a farewell to Library Lady for a spell if your four or five year old retells a racier version of The Three Little Pigs - complete with sounds and other graphic terms extremely not suitable for kids - that would make Howard Stern blush.

In Vermont and Brookline, however, the parents themselves would probably retell the story at home, making the wolf a martyr overlorded by the bourgeoisie pigs, and became a hero to oppressed predators by advocating armed revolution and burning the pigs alive. The brick house would be converted a palace for the wolf and his faithful cadre, and the wolf would quickly implement agrarian reform so that any pigs living would have to turn over their crops to the state, who would then distribute them between the party leaders and let the survivors starve of hunger. Then, a big bad chimp with a Texas accent would come in and tell the people that the wolf had WMD; his troops would surround the wolf's palace, and the people, sick and tired of the wolf's dictatorship (and the presses puff pieces on the wolf), would overthrow the wolf and destroy the printing presses of his fans. The wolf would be put into exile until he died of media neglect.

che: the warmongering, imperialist guerrilla with an appetite for murder

Reality check for those of you who like those che shirts so much: che was just as much a warmongering, imperialist guerrilla as those he laid blame on, i.e. The United States.

che guevara still remains among as the ultissimo rebel of the downtrodden, the disenfranchised, etc. che came from a rich Argentinian family, and became an insecure man and a coward who exploited the Cuban peasants for his own gain, and once they were under his spell, he systematically and brutally killed them on orders from fidel castro. And the damndest thing is, people still believe he's a hero, and are willing to plaster his mug on protest signs. Gee, do heroes advocate violent armed struggle these days? How about eliminating the writ of habeas corpus, and advocating that judicial law is an "archaic bourgeois detail?" The most frightening thing is that there are some people deep in the wealthiest circles of society who want to see the same thing happen in America - and plenty of useful idiots, such as celebrities, politicians, blogs, etc. would love to play judge, jury and executioner.

When che was captured by Bolivian forces, his bravado and hubris failed him as he whined, "Don't Shoot! I'm che! I'm worth more to you alive than dead!" Unfortunately for him, their policy was "Shoot, shovel, and shut-up."

UPDATE: That wily Aussie, Jules Crittenden, discovers our "Che With the Machine" article and shares it with his weblog. If you're a Jules Crittenden reader (or, in Alphie's case, a frequent critic), welcome!

Che with the Machine

When you get right down to it, there are several schools of thought on George W. Bush ("Dubya"):

1. Those who adore Dubya, and think those who hate him are anti-American traitors and communists who should be tried for treason and imprisoned for life.

2. Those who love Dubya, because he's a man who believes in his principles and sticks to them, and unlike those communist heathens who run the House and the Senate, he and Laura believe in America.

3. Those who like Dubya, even though we disagree sometimes with what he says or does. It seems he pays too much attention to one thing and not enough to another - just like his Dad.

4. Those who neither like nor hate Dubya, but realize that there have been better and/or worse presidents. C'mon, would you really want another Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter, or Richard Nixon - or would you prefer to clone JFK, Reagan or Clinton?

5. Those who don't like Dubya, but we would rather see other Republicans as President, like John McCain, Rudy Guiliani, and if we're really desperate, Pat Buchanan.

6. Those who don't like Dubya, but chose the lesser evil because the Dem candidates were duds. Dean was/is a loudmouth loose cannon, Gore and Kerry were/are boring, and (insert favorite deity or belief here) only knows what would happen under a Kucinich presidency.

7. Those who don't like Dubya, and don't like Republicans, but are moderate "blue dog" Democrats who hate the moonbat left wing who bought off the Democrats like a cheap prostitute - Joe Lieberman and Zell Miller, and maybe Jim Webb, former SecNav.

8. Those who hate Dubya, because they still hold the belief that he "stole the election" from Al Gore. Al Gore stopped the recount of the votes in Florida, but that would void their case for all those anti-Bush books and stickers. Once in awhile, they get this strange idea he's actually being controlled by the evil Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. On the other hand, they also think the moonbat left wing is too crazy for them, and that few non-binding resolutions and strong speeches will be fine - no need for him to be boiled in oil, put in stocks, and hung like a piece of beef jerky.

9. Those who loathe Dubya, because he's trying to kill their plans for a violent revolution to implement a neo-Soviet America - where the poor remain in poverty, the minorities will kowtow to the rich white bosses, and anyone who does not worship their socialist dogma to the very letter will be forcibly indoctrinated, outcast, or hurt. If you already believe in these tenets (or can fake them really, really well), they'll leave you alone, but prepare for pop quizzes.

10. Those who have absolute, all-consuming and total hatred for Dubya, and think those who love him are rich redneck Christian theocrats who should be tried, sentenced, and killed. They want total and absolute power, and they will stop and nothing until they get it. Their only focus is to put in a fidel-castro/hugo chavez like bully who will put those non-believers in hard labor camps until they either submit or die.

che guevara, the SOB who laughed when a reporter asked if Cuba would ever have free elections, would be proud to see his rabid fans recreate parts of 9 and 10. (Or at least have those them sell in the key of B flat minor for 99 cents at the iTunes store.)