Summer fashion blunders and how to avoid them

We know the hazy, hot and humid days of summer are upon the city, and while we are not fashion gurus ourselves (at least not in the class of the Herald's Ivana Martini, snicker), we want to point out a few things to our esteemed readers.

1. Gals: we understand completely that you've been wanting to get your legs out of their stuffy nylon-covered cocoon for six months and into an airy pair of flip-flops or sandals. We also understand that there are some places that require such torture devices to be worn, and that sometimes "less is more" (e.g. the longer the skirt, the better you can get away with a pair of cheap CVS knee-high nylons; summer weight pantyhose or ultra-sheer is also a good idea). But one thing is for certain - ankle-high nylons are for grandmas or for longer pants - not those gaucho pants that come up to your kneecaps. Ankle-highs are not for long, flowing peasant skirts with embroidered backless ballet flats. For an alternative to the dreaded pantyhose , thigh-highs (aka holdups) are a super bet and can be subtle, yet sexy. Just make sure you're not allergic to silicone. If you really want to go all out, hop over to Victoria's Secret, buy a garter belt, and a pair of real stockings. Again, subtle, yet sexy and much cooler than pantyhose.

2. Guys: Slathering on patchouli oil, deodorant, or cologne doesn't take the place of a hot shower. Nothing ruins a good summer wardrobe than smelling like a walking advertisement for Polo Green or BO. Shower as frequently as you can - whatever you do after that is your business. Also, if the only six-pack you possess is the one you grab out of the package store for a party, along with all sorts of party snacks, leave the shirt on or lose the weight. Polo shirts - always good; we live in them 24/7/365. Shorts - always good, just make sure they don't skim the ground, or they aren't shorts. And underwear - a must.

3. If you're going for the urban cowgirl look - denim skirt, cowboy boots, and cowboy shirt, please delete the nylon knee highs or hide them in your boots so they don't distract from the look. (Actually, this would be much better use for ankle-high nylons, even if you're wearing a long peasant skirt. Never go sockless - it causes chafing and makes the boots much harder to get off.) Ditto for the urban cowboy look - nothing screams "urban poseur" like dressing up like Kenny Chesney and then wearing beat up Chuck Taylors.

4. We know there are some people who are still mourning the passing of Crocodile Hunter™ Steve Irwin. If Steve were to see what one young "sheila" wore at the Brugger's Bagels in Harvard Square this morning - something that would remind us of a Steve he would likely bolt down from the heavens and scream, "Crikey! Even my daughter Bindi wouldn't even dream of putting that jumble together! The beige-colored boots are awful - my wife Terri would lock you in with the crocodiles...that's if the crocodiles weren't laughing their heads off!" Jules Crittenden would summarize thus: "Carnival of Insanities - Only in Boston sees national treasure Steve Irwin reincarnated as willowy brunette with boots...conjures spirit of Irwin and gets hit by lightning."

The UGGS Bunnies shed their pupae to become SJBP Princesses

Maybe they migrated to UGGS-land for the winter, but now they're being replaced by the SJBF (skinny jeans and ballet flats) Princesses. Once in a while, you can see a hint of nylon in their legs but often it's bare or covered by the giant cuff of the skinny jean.

Critical Fluff doesn't have much use for SJBF Princesses either, or alternative grains like quinoa or spelt (can't mix the Bible with heathen organic foods). Sweet potato pancakes all around!

Which UGGS bunnies had spray on tans?

The South End is Over hates UGGS worse than we do.

We have a brand-spanking new term for the wearer of UGGS...the UGGS bunny. Allow us to be stereotypical to what an UGGS bunny is...

1. Dirty blonde hair, put into an ugly, messy ponytail or strung through a metal barrette, with her bangs pulled back so severely you see her hair extensions.

2. A down jacket that drowns the woman in an unsightly swath of material.

3. A dark tan, a fake tan, or a ghastly white complexion.

4. Colored tights (tan pantyhose for the Back Bay Sloane Rangers) or bare legs

5. A denim skirt (the shorter and more ripped, the better)

6. A top-of-the-line cell phone glued to her ear, paid by mommy and daddy, carrying on a conversation about superficial things