The Two Three Sides of The Three Little Pigs...

One involves a wolf huffing and puffing and destroying ("blowing down") two of the three pigs' houses. Simple enough, and defying the test of time. The Brothers Grimm, in the German translation, have a more graphic version of the story, with the wolf meeting his end in a pot of boiling water.

The other may require record-breaking timeouts and a farewell to Library Lady for a spell if your four or five year old retells a racier version of The Three Little Pigs - complete with sounds and other graphic terms extremely not suitable for kids - that would make Howard Stern blush.

In Vermont and Brookline, however, the parents themselves would probably retell the story at home, making the wolf a martyr overlorded by the bourgeoisie pigs, and became a hero to oppressed predators by advocating armed revolution and burning the pigs alive. The brick house would be converted a palace for the wolf and his faithful cadre, and the wolf would quickly implement agrarian reform so that any pigs living would have to turn over their crops to the state, who would then distribute them between the party leaders and let the survivors starve of hunger. Then, a big bad chimp with a Texas accent would come in and tell the people that the wolf had WMD; his troops would surround the wolf's palace, and the people, sick and tired of the wolf's dictatorship (and the presses puff pieces on the wolf), would overthrow the wolf and destroy the printing presses of his fans. The wolf would be put into exile until he died of media neglect.

Che with the Machine

When you get right down to it, there are several schools of thought on George W. Bush ("Dubya"):

1. Those who adore Dubya, and think those who hate him are anti-American traitors and communists who should be tried for treason and imprisoned for life.

2. Those who love Dubya, because he's a man who believes in his principles and sticks to them, and unlike those communist heathens who run the House and the Senate, he and Laura believe in America.

3. Those who like Dubya, even though we disagree sometimes with what he says or does. It seems he pays too much attention to one thing and not enough to another - just like his Dad.

4. Those who neither like nor hate Dubya, but realize that there have been better and/or worse presidents. C'mon, would you really want another Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter, or Richard Nixon - or would you prefer to clone JFK, Reagan or Clinton?

5. Those who don't like Dubya, but we would rather see other Republicans as President, like John McCain, Rudy Guiliani, and if we're really desperate, Pat Buchanan.

6. Those who don't like Dubya, but chose the lesser evil because the Dem candidates were duds. Dean was/is a loudmouth loose cannon, Gore and Kerry were/are boring, and (insert favorite deity or belief here) only knows what would happen under a Kucinich presidency.

7. Those who don't like Dubya, and don't like Republicans, but are moderate "blue dog" Democrats who hate the moonbat left wing who bought off the Democrats like a cheap prostitute - Joe Lieberman and Zell Miller, and maybe Jim Webb, former SecNav.

8. Those who hate Dubya, because they still hold the belief that he "stole the election" from Al Gore. Al Gore stopped the recount of the votes in Florida, but that would void their case for all those anti-Bush books and stickers. Once in awhile, they get this strange idea he's actually being controlled by the evil Dick Cheney and Karl Rove. On the other hand, they also think the moonbat left wing is too crazy for them, and that few non-binding resolutions and strong speeches will be fine - no need for him to be boiled in oil, put in stocks, and hung like a piece of beef jerky.

9. Those who loathe Dubya, because he's trying to kill their plans for a violent revolution to implement a neo-Soviet America - where the poor remain in poverty, the minorities will kowtow to the rich white bosses, and anyone who does not worship their socialist dogma to the very letter will be forcibly indoctrinated, outcast, or hurt. If you already believe in these tenets (or can fake them really, really well), they'll leave you alone, but prepare for pop quizzes.

10. Those who have absolute, all-consuming and total hatred for Dubya, and think those who love him are rich redneck Christian theocrats who should be tried, sentenced, and killed. They want total and absolute power, and they will stop and nothing until they get it. Their only focus is to put in a fidel-castro/hugo chavez like bully who will put those non-believers in hard labor camps until they either submit or die.

che guevara, the SOB who laughed when a reporter asked if Cuba would ever have free elections, would be proud to see his rabid fans recreate parts of 9 and 10. (Or at least have those them sell in the key of B flat minor for 99 cents at the iTunes store.)

Morons, Inc.

Jules Crittenden gives us the roll call of idiots, dunces, know-nothings, and other people who should be thrown into the short bus of knowledge and have the truth drilled into them by hardcore Marine Corps DI's from Parris Island.

Item: if Jeff Spiccoli were around today, he'd dope slap Sean Penn - and not just for his cheesy mustache.

Item: Rosie O'Donnell - who thought that in ten years she'd drop from The Queen of Nice to the Queen of Conspiracy Theories?