Airing of the Grievances (a tribute to George Carlin)

In the spirit of the late George Carlin and the currently very much alive Jerry Stiller, I present the Airing of the Grievances.

Note to the folks: this entry has R-rated language.

1. People who can't walk a straight line, cut you off when you're trying to get somewhere, and then decide to yap on a cell phone endlessly. The opposite of this are people who stand there like statues. What, is this some kind of fucking game of "Red Light, Green Light?" Keep moving, unless you want to be moved or pushed to the floor.

2. Here's an idea for you neurotic wimps out there who hate smoking, drinking and other vices that are still legal: we don't picket you when you're running around naked with your naughty bits on display. We don't try to force you to sell certain kinds of "organic" produce. And we don't follow around people who we suspect might shoplift, when they're actually looking to eat healthier. $5 for a pound of apples raised in cow shit is a sin.

3. Wall Street. My 401(k) is now a 332.6(k), but it could have been a 201(k). Thanks, Hank and Ben. Please don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

4. Hollywood. Earth to actors and actresses: you not the fucking royalty of America. You get paid millions of dollars to pretend or perform, and yet you think you can pass down your noble royal edicts as gospel? There are actors who do great services the right way - as far away from the red carpet and cameras as possible. There are others who are just attention whores.

While we're at it: can we stop with the bizarre child names? I have two lovely nieces named Hollace and Riley. Those names are fine. My brother and his wife had the smarts not to name them Celery Moonbat Munster Cheese or Cross Bronx Expressway or Lightning Bat Chain Puller. Weird names work for the Zappa folk, although Dweezil is wondering when he can change his name to Dennis.

5. Reality TV. Trollops with fake tans, fake boobs, fake teeth, and the slimy men who adore them, should be put into a cage with hungry wolverines to rid them of their chances of 15 minutes of fame. As for the umpteenth editions of Survivor, Amazing Race, and Big Brother, how about shifting those cameras to the urban centers of our land? God knows a little sunshine is the best disinfectant, and those millions can be used to spruce up quite a few places.

6. Gossip. It's time we got rid of glorifying overpaid brats and sent the paparazzi to Iraq, where instead of getting that great shot of Britney Spears' hoo-hah, they can take pictures of soldiers and others who yearn for the comforts of home and stability. The paparazzi can then understand what it feels like when IEDs and bombs lurk among them and be grateful their last picture wasn't given a posthumous Pulitzer.

7. The press. The newspapers and TV networks are losing money left and right because they've become the public relations board for various lobbies. Somehow they lost their way from reporting the news to acting like tittering high school girls with a crush on the football captain. Time to clean out the queen bees and the goths and get back to reporting, rather than spreading vicious high school gossip.

8. Politics. We still have people in Washington who are so fucking clueless about what the nation really needs! We need people to lay down their ideology - the far left with their Marx worship, and the far right with their God worship - and find out where the hell the happy medium is. It's not gonna happen when you act like some asshat Robin Hood on steroids, or the second coming of Jesus. And it certainly isn't going to happen by telling certain people they can't be poor and certain people they can't be rich. And yes, the sooner term limits to weed out the deadwood and corrupt hacks infesting Capitol Hill is implemented, the better off we'll be.

That's all I can think of for now...

Cursing to the Choir, middle school edition

Kids: if you're going to do Chris Rock monologues, find the clean and non-controversial ones, not the ones with abundant amounts of deleted expletives.

On the other hand, the girl who let loose with her Andrew Dice Clay rendition did a great service: since no one would listen to the complaints from teachers and other students about the choir teacher's litanies and tirades, what better place highlight your teacher's shortcomings than after a Rogers & Hart song!

Hey, it might cost you a ten day suspension and make you miss your graduation ceremony and party, but the best thing is that it forced some of these administrators with their hands on their ears to finally listen!

Shoot, pshaw, foul, shucks, chickenshacker, motherfouler, tips

Gateway Pundit (via Jules Crittenden) does a little test with George Carlin's Famous Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say on Television™ and discovers that even after eight years, those left wing blogs are the champions of fouled-mouth free speech.

Industrial sized Lifebuoy for HuffPo!