Five Years from Now: A new kind of commencement speech

I got this idea from Suldog, who in turn got his idea from a commencement speaker who put forth a pretty astringent speech to a set of high school students in Wellesley.  Mine might not be as funny as Suldog's, but all I ask is that you read. 

Good morning.

I'm not here to give you a happy, "the world is yours" speech.  I'm here to give you an idea of what happens in the real world - not the overpaid celebrity commencement speech world.

In the past few weeks, you've cleaned out your dorm rooms, said your final goodbyes, had your final off-campus party, survived your final collegiate hangover, and likely had your university supply you with your usual senior tradition.

This morning, you are here in your shirts and ties, your best dresses, your hair combed and curled and blown out just so, wearing your best shoes or heels, so your chancellor or principal can hand you a piece of paper stating you've met all the requirements of your degree.

Fast forward to five years from now.

Today, you may wear your spiral curls, spread out on your shoulders like the goddess Aphrodite, wearing your favorite slinky dress you wore to a sorority party where you met your future husband, plus a sparkly pair of Louboutin sandals to show off your opal-painted toenails.  Five years from now, you may be pregnant with your second child, with one screaming two year old in your ears, your hair tossed in a frightful mess, and cursing the husband you met at the sorority party for "working late" again, wondering if he's having his way with the secretary in his office.

Today, you may wear a Hugo Boss suit, a $125 tie, and tied shoes.  Five years from now, your human resources department, with your supervisor, manager, and two HR representatives, will hand you a box for your personal belongings because the company has gone out of business.  The remainder of the company will get that speech too, but as there is no more money, there will be no severance.  For many weeks after, you will not be able to find a job; whatever you did save will dwindle to pocket change; your health insurance will be cancelled, and that the only jobs you're qualified won't even cover your rent.

Today, you may have ended your academic career with straight A's from primary school, through middle school, high school, and college.  Your 4.0 GPA has showered you with accolades, praise, and the title "summa cum laude."  You were likely the class valedictorian.  Five years from now, you're in a hospital bed, IV's dripping with chemotheraputic poison because your PCP didn't like a spot on your brain and it turned out to be Stage IV brain cancer - which explains the slurred speech, the migranes, the dizzy spells, the vomiting, and the occasional spacing out.  All of your hair is gone; you've dropped from a robust weight to a thin, cachexic skeleton of yourself, praying for that last seizure or the death rattle.

Of course, today you're just here to get the hell out of this college.  You didn't want to be here; you got a 2.0 GPA just to avoid academic probation; you partied all the time, took drugs, and just didn't care.  Five years from now, you're in a prison cell.  The reason was spelled out by a judge who was tired of seeing you again and decided the rest of your life would be served best away from modern society.  She was tired of looking at your heroin-wasted, hyper-tense body, pleading for just one more chance to do good, even after the five other times you were caught hustling for drug money, but the last straw was a home invasion with your friends, and in turn one of your friends - to save himself from your fate - plead and turned state's evidence.  Karma got him - he was stabbed to death by a vicious prison gang member.

Those are the extreme cases.  You may experience other things nowhere nearly as unpleasant as what I've described.  I'm here to shatter perceptions, to transition you from the dream world to the real world, and to grab your attention, I used those stories as extreme examples.

Reality happens.  Dreams are often killed by something we don't prepare for - fate, if you will, has something in store to prepare us for real life.  To have commencement speakers pump the "go forth and be successful" drivel into your brains does you no good.  You could work hard and get nowhere.  You could follow your dreams and hit a hard brick wall.  Meanwhile, the commencement speaker is cashing their check for a new trip to the Carribean Islands.

Mary Ann Esposito, when telling her audience how to get the hairy "choke" out of artichokes, told us in an easy, laid back fashion, "You do nothing."  What she did is braise the artichoke in chicken stock, lemon juice, parsley, garlic, and mint, let it rest for awhile, and then with a spoon, popped out the choke very easily. 

Like the hairy choke that Mary Ann Esposito told you to "do nothing" with, "do nothing" with your life. 

Forget five year expectations.  Better yet, don't plan.   Let things happen, and you'll be pleasantly surprised where fate might lead you.

If you're successful in some things but not in others, that's fine.

If you choose not to marry, whether because you don't want to or for other political reasons, that's fine.

If you don't earn a million dollars, but can live very well with thirty thousand, that's fine.

If you choose not to have children, or decide to adopt because you physically can't, that's fine.

And for those of you who weren't valedictorians, who were satisfied with a 3.0 GPA, who didn't party all that often and got an occasional hangover, who didn't have a SO, who have a small balance on their college loans, who stayed anonymous - you were fine all along.

There will be times you'll have to live with your parents because you still can't afford to live on your own, attend court hearings to get custody of your children, go weeks without pay because you're on strike, sit through boring, pointless meetings peppered with business cliches and jargon, and so forth. That's life.  Just sit back, relax, don't plan, and let things fall into place.

Thank you.