Julia Child: A foodie's goddess, a control freak's Mephistopheles

In this article, a member of the restaurant industry puts out the word that, yes, you can have your cake or hollandaise or Bloomin' Onion, but make sure you get some exercise. Otherwise, the armada of finger waggin' nannies will come to your door and raid your cabinets.

I'm currently into a program with a dietician that emphasizes fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and the like. I feel 100% better. At first, I missed caffeine and pancakes and that heavenly coffee roll with the white icing they sell at work, but then I discovered for half that amount of calories, I could have two slices of whole grain bread, peanut butter, and yogurt and be completely full hungry at 11am. I don't have those urges to raid the vending machine, except for the $2 Clif bar I buy. I even think I've lost weight.

That doesn't mean the health Puritans should slap the occasional cheeseburger and fries out of my hands. Sure, show me (not lecture, hector, cajole or anything resembling finger wagging) better food choices and their advantages, but unless you want a counterlecture on why strangers should mind their own damn business and not dictate their dogma to people, you'll walk right on by and shut your damn mouth.

In fact, I think a lot of what motivates these health Puritans (I'm looking directly at you, Tom Friedman of the CDC, the biggest nanny-state prick on the planet) is that they fear that the lower classes will discover that the foods that the upper classes take for granted are actually a lot better, and demand for these boutique foods will skyrocket. Hence, keeping the poor fat and happy on HFCS and cheap food is better than growing more food that gives out continuous energy, and charging an obscene amount for fruit ($3.99 for a half pound of pineapple at Au Bon Pain, when you can get a whole pineapple for 99 cents a pound and cut it up yourself?) and veggies kinda defeats the purpose of "beating obesity."

Which brings me to another point: health Puritans can't stand the sight of people who aren't perfect in weight and proportion. Most of the time it's the heavy and obese, but wouldn't it be nice if these dingalings cast their jaundiced eye on anorexic and bulimic girls, who sometimes are so underweight that they look like Holocaust death camp survivors? And for what purpose do these young girls count calories, exercise to exhaustion, and then wonder why their hair is falling out and their friends and parents are pleading them to stop losing weight? Fashion? To get that cute boy from her biology class to notice her? Being anorexic is just as bad as being obese - unless the goal of the health Puritans is to have a class of wafer-thin automatons who only survive on lettuce and water.

So the point of his letter, save the author's reputation, is to do what the great Julia Child did: be as much pain in the ass to the health Puritans as possible. Proclaim loudly and proudly that an entire stick of creamery butter makes the pies much better tasting, not some "weak as water" stand in. Incorporate as much liquor as Julia did, but not to the point where your entire dinner party is blitzed when the dessert comes around - including the children. And while your vegetarian friend looks at you in horror as you devour that 1/3 pound Angus burger, blithely mention that Julia Child lived till she was 92, and not on Gardenburgers and soy milk.

Then, after the dishes are cleared, head outside for a walk.