YouAREtheweakestFacebookfriend, g'bye

This week, I did a move or several on Facebook that would probably qualify as one that may make people a little mad.

I have people from my old school who have known each other for years.  I've known them for years; they are not bad people.  Put alcohol and them together, and you pine for the voice of Caillou, the most annoying child in the universe. (Except for Kate Jackson, late from The Pointy Universe.)

Of course, the day after, I looked at their profiles and pictures.  I'll admit the pictures were innocent and it was your garden variety get-wasted-and-pose-as-a-group-and-make-goofy-faces variety.  Pretty innocent stuff, if you really want to grind it fine.

The updates, however, made me angrier every time I read them.  Tons of inside jokes.  One person begging for pictures of her in heels falling flat on her ass.  People begging to be taken out of the country.  They sounded like they were congratulating themselves on getting wasted like the old days.

It brought me back to the day where I was in high school and while they played, drank, dated, and horsed around, I didn't get to do any of those things.  Thanks (and this is a sincere thanks, not a sarcastic thanks you get when someone eats a fudgsicle and hands you the stick) to my parents, who saw these kids as pretty unruly.  They made sure I had a good head on my shoulders.  They made me study and go to school and work for what I wanted.  Above all, they made sure I stayed out of trouble, because they promised not to rescue me if stuff happened.

I agonized over the decision for a couple of days. What would they think of me?  Would I be demonized?

Then, I heard a voice that was female, and distinctly English, with four tones heralding her arrival.  "Mr. ClearySquared...have these people always been by your side?  Will they ever show up at your time of need?  Or are they daft, immature, insecure people who are only out to have fun?  It's time to vote off...the Weakest Links!"

Yep, my inner Anne Robinson - the game show host with a gimlet eye for bullshit - cast that eye towards me.

It was time to employ the FB Ban Hammer.  The Friend Sledge-o-matic.

All I had to do was click the "X" near the word "Do you wish to break your connection?"  It was the equivalent "YouAREtheweakestlink...g'bye,"  but mercifully without the virtual Walk of Shame and the post-voting interview.  Painless and very clean, but I did it.

For a couple of days, I felt really bad.  So far I haven't received requests to bring them back.  I thought they were going to send me a message saying, "WTF?  Why did you defriend me?"  But then Anne came back and said, "There are plenty of people out there who will be your friends even outside of Facebook.  The real friends will be the ones who will show up when you need them, just as you will show up when they need you.  And if the ones who want to come back want an explanation, ask them: will you be there when I need you?  If they can't answer that question, well, to borrow from another game show that made it to the States and was hosted by Regis Philbin, you have your final answer."

Then she winked and said, "G'bye."

Facebook: use it wisely

If you're a Facebook user, you can use the social network program as an invaluable tool to reconnect with your friends from the past, including those who you had secret and not-so-secret crushes on, but don't blame it for breaking up a relationship because your SO was actually talking to said secret and not-so-secret crushes, including exes.

The Globe article is okay, but a lot of people state - correctly - that the Facebook isn't at fault here. It's the jerk of the guy who decided to two-time the girl by having two profiles. Of course, you can participate in the occasional Super Poke, invitations to Mafia wars, and hugs, but if that's not your style, the "ignore" button comes in handy.